I am no longer a virgin, a fact that made my deeply traditional self feel inferior for a long time. The circumstances of my deflowering make me feel immeasurable shame whenever I remember it.
My first time happened on a certain night shortly after my college entrance exam, catching me completely off guard and leaving me filled with regret. That evening, for embarrassing reasons, I fled from home disheveled and distressed, running about the streets like a scared bird.
As the night deepened with nowhere to resort, I took an IC phone card from my pocket, standing undecided in the phone booth at the corner. After a lengthy debate with myself, I finally decided to call my male classmate, Lu Zhou, who lived across the street from me.
Throughout high school, due to home circumstances, my introverted and antisocial nature meant few classmates cared to associate with me. But Lu Zhou was a good guy who often initiated conversation with me. After the college entrance exam, he gave me his number and encouraged me to keep in touch. The reason I decided to reach out to him wasn't only because he was familiar to me but also because I knew his family was well-off.
When I called, I hesitated, but luckily, Lu Zhou picked up just as the call was about to end. The college entrance exam was over; he was probably out for entertainment and relaxation. It was noisy at his end, but after knowing it was me, he switched to a quieter place. After a bit of small talk, I explained my problem: I needed to borrow a hundred yuan for an emergency.
Lu Zhou asked what I needed the money for. Unable to fabricate an excuse quickly, I simply said that I didn't have a place to stay for the night and wanted to rent a hotel.
Surprisingly, Lu Zhou promptly suggested that I come find him at the Haodi KTV, where he was unwinding with his cousin, who had recently been dumped.
When I arrived at the Haodi KTV, Lu Zhou was waiting for me, saying that it wasn't safe for a girl to be out so late alone, so he would accompany me to find a hotel.
However, every hotel we approached on the nearby street required ID to check in, which I had left behind in my rush to leave home.
In the end, I hesitated in front of a hotel at the end of the street, suggesting to Lu Zhou that perhaps he could lend me fifteen yuan instead so I could spend the night at an internet café.
But Lu Zhou disagreed, arguing that the internet café was crowded and unsafe for a girl on her own, especially since it was right after the college entrance examination.
After several exhausting minutes of pointless pacing in front of the hotel, Lu Zhou suggested that I accompany him back to the KTV and wait for his cousin to be done singing. Then he would grab his ID from home and help me find a hotel.
Lu Zhou's kindheartedness moved me. He had left his lovesick cousin alone to help me find a place to stay and even went out of his way to help with my situation. After experiencing many ups and downs in life, I was grateful and unsure how to refuse his friendly offer- I could only silently nod in agreement.
As I followed Lu Zhou back, I looked up at the beautiful starry summer night, feeling a warmth inside me. I planned to look for a job as a supermarket promoter in a few days so that I could repay him soon.
Unexpectedly, the comfort this restless night offered was insufficient to offset the coldness that would follow. It not only dealt a harsh blow to my fragile youth but also left an unerasable mark on me. It became the most hidden and painful part of my memory that I never wished to recall.