I found my husband to be quite suspicious recently.

He would lock the study whenever he left the room! There were only both of us in the house. Who was he trying to keep out of the study? Could it be me?

This realization became a thorn in my heart that manifested anxiety in me.

I mean, in the two years I was married to He Zhaojun, he had very few needs. He was not the usual guy who would ravish his young, beautiful wife any opportunity he had. I could count the times we had slept together!

And it got worst after I got pregnant in January. With the excuse of not wanting to hurt the baby, he never had sex with me anymore and even started sleeping in his study.

I was a 26-year-old woman in my prime and had my needs too. With my husband staying away from me every night, all I had to soothe my libido were my nighttime fantasies. But I was still burning with desires and more than that, lonely.

I tried what I could to remedy the situation. I even called a gender helpline in the middle of the night to ask for advice. The experts told me over the phone that he might have lost his passion because he had seen too many women’s bodies. I figured that was understandable, as my husband was a gynecologist and I tried to live with that advice.

……

On that day, my worries overwhelmed me, and I could not stand it anymore. I had to look inside the study to rid myself of doubts about my husband. So I sneaked into the study when he was out at work.

The study had simple furnishing and was clean and neat. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary except the desk's drawer was locked.

Well, lucky for me, I had a spare key that He Zhaojun did not know about. Of course, I did not take the key at the time because I wanted to spy on him. On the contrary, as the thoughtful wife I was, I only kept it so he would have another one in case he lost his key.

So I used it.

But there were only a few office supplies in the drawer and nothing suspicious. Relieved, I locked the drawer back up.

However, my instincts still told me that something was not right, and I knew to always trust my instincts.

I glanced around and saw that his bed was made quite neatly. I went over and lifted the quilt. There was still nothing.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a vague red mark on his pillow.

I lifted the pillow to take a closer look. My heart sank when I saw it was a lipstick mark.

It was our wedding anniversary today. Could it be that he bought me lipstick as a gift and wanted to test the color? But it wasn’t the sort of lipstick I would usually use. Furthermore, I couldn’t use makeup now as I was pregnant. But still, perhaps he wanted to show me love even though I couldn’t use the gift.

I was trying desperately to find excuses that could explain the lipstick mark. But my inner voice kept questioning whether it could be that He Zhaojun was cheating on me. Did he have a woman right here in the study? I quickly searched the study before scoffing at my foolish thought. There was no way he could hide a woman in here. Besides, even if he wanted to cheat on me, he could have his affair outside the house.

I sat down on the bed, trying to organize my thoughts when I smelled a pungent smell coming from beside the bed. I traced it and saw the smell was coming from a bunch of tissues in the wastebasket. It was obvious what the white sticky fluid on the tissues was.

Now I had a new dilemma. My husband was either cheating on me or choosing to masturbate to meet his needs instead of sleeping with me. Either option made me feel miserable.

I knew I wasn’t great in bed, nor the most interesting woman.

I grew up in a broken family. My dad died when I was ten because of a car accident, while my mom fell into a coma. I only survived and managed to finish my studies because I had help from a stranger whom I only knew by the name of Haiou. Because of my pitiful childhood, I had learned not to whine but to toughen up and face my adversities. So I was placid and reserved in bed, which might be why my husband had lost interest in me, now that I thought about it.

……

Thinking that today was our second anniversary, I made up my mind to dress myself up, and we could go on a long-overdue date after He Zhaojun got off work.

But when evening came, he suddenly texted me saying he had surgery and would return home late.

He didn’t even seem to remember what day it was.

I felt him becoming more and more like a stranger, and I was losing him. I had to do something about it before it was too late!

At midnight, I finally heard his familiar footsteps coming up to the house. He was home.

As soon as he stepped through the door, I leaped toward him. But as he caught me in his arms, he frowned.

“Have you been drinking?”

I tried to ignore his cold response and put my arms around his neck while smiling cheekily. “A little.”

He Zhaojun held me as I stumbled and said with displeasure, “You are pregnant. How could you drink?”

I mustered up the courage to try and charm him. I laid my head on his neck and said in my cutest voice, “I was waiting for you to come back to have dinner with me, but you never showed. Don’t you know it’s our anniversary today? I only drank a little red wine to celebrate. It won’t harm the baby.”

“You are drunk. Let me bring you to your room!”

He Zhaojun brought me to my room and put me on the bed. Not giving up, I got the courage from the wine and put my arms around his neck again, forbidding him to escape. Then I brought my lips close to his.

“Kiss me, honey!”

I threw myself at him, but he only kissed me indifferently for a bit before breaking free.

“Shen Hongmei, stop it. You’ll hurt the baby.”

I still hung on his neck and looked at him amorously. I was upset he had rejected me so many times, but I still begged him to take me.

“You are a gynecologist. You should know that it’s safe to have sex after the baby is past three months. We only need to be careful.”

Yet despite my efforts, he still forcefully pushed me away. I could sense his annoyance in the way he tugged at his necktie and growled.

“I had a long day. Go to sleep early. I’m going to shower.”

I was left alone in the room, dumbfounded and feeling like a loser. Why did he not want me after all I had done?

I did not drink much. I knew to control myself for the sake of the baby. I only sprayed some wine on me like perfume to make myself seem drunk, to give him an excuse to sleep with me. But I still failed.

As I was deep in thought, I heard water sounds coming from the bathroom before it stopped after ten minutes or more. Then I heard He Zhaojun’s footsteps leaving the bathroom and passing by my door. He never came in anymore but went back to the study.

I curled up in my bed, and the feeling of dejection and confusion overwhelmed me. I had so many questions but no answers. Why did things turn out this way? I wanted to find out the reason, and I knew there was a way I could. But what if He Zhaojun were to find out?

For about half an hour, I lay in my bed as I struggled with my thoughts before I finally made up my mind. I had to do it in the hope of ending my misery. So I mustered enough courage and put on my earphones. Then, I opened the app on my phone connected to a listening device…