Prologue:

No matter how vast the field you are running at, you will still not find the answers to your questions inside your head. Just like no matter how vast the world we are leaving in, we can’t still the true love our heart longing for so long. Love is like the rice you are cooking, if you don’t like it anymore, you are just going to dump and waste it as if you didn’t get any benefits from it.

Lovers are like farmers that are working hard just to give something to you, but sometimes, you are just ignoring it because you think you had enough already. That is how love works, right? You are not thinking about the sacrifices your partner did for you. Our life had no destination, we are just like walking in a vast field until we are finally tired and ready to die.

My mind flies along with the gentle breeze. I am wondering where can I find the true love they are talking about? Does true love even exist? How would you know if that man is already your so-called one?

What if you fell in love with someone but you are not aware? What if you finally loved him, but he pushed you away because of the mistake you didn’t even do? See? That is life. Life is full of questions. I wish he is not the one I loved.

It is unfair for me, I love him, but he only hurt me. Is it wrong to love a stranger you just met because of the deal? Funny. I am so stupid for loving him. I barely fall in love, but I fell with the man I don’t even know.

I am lying down in my bed while staring at my ceiling. What my mom said earlier is occupying my mind for over an hour. I can’t still believe that she agreed to it. She wants me to marry a stranger just because of our company’s sake. It is okay for me to live poorly… I can live simply even though I grew up getting the things I want. But it is different right now, I don’t think I can get the thing I want because of my mom’s decision. Her decision is like entering hell, once you’re in, you cannot go back where you’ve been anymore.

“Our company is now sinking, Vanasyl! You have to understand!” She held my hand that is resting on our table. My anger towards her is boiling inside me. She agreed for me to marry a stranger without my permission! She should have at least asked me first! Is it that hard?

“Mommy! Are you out of your mind?! We can live without that shit! I am too young for that!” My eyes watered. My breathing turned heavy as I look at her eyes.

”You are not going to marry him right away, Van. We will wait until you turn eighteen. We will give time to the both of you to get to know each other, to get closer to each other, ” she explained.

I shook my head in disbelief. “No. I don’t want to marry a man I don’t even know! I don’t want to marry at the age of eighteen! I will marry the man I love, and I will marry him at the age I want.” I emphasized every word I spit. I tried so hard for my mom to understand.

“Please Vanasyl… your dad and I worked hard for that company. Please don’t let it sink, please…” she pleaded.

If only my dad didn’t cheat. If he didn’t cheat, everything is fine! If he didn’t let my mom handle that company on her own, I don’t have to marry someone! This is why I don’t believe in that shit they are calling love. It takes away people’s happiness. I hope he is not my father!

“Think about it carefully, I will transfer you to Avrelanta whenever you want. You will study there, and you will live together with him and his parents.”

I harshly slammed the table before standing. “What? I don’t have to study there! That is too much for me!” I shouted. She stood up as well so our eyes would level. “Vanasyl, please… I am begging you.” Her tears started to fall. My heart is squeezing seeing her cry. I don’t want to see her crying, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

I shook my head again. “I don’t think I can do it.” I sighed before leaving the kitchen. Frustration seeped through my nerves as I walk into my room. My tears didn’t stop falling like a waterfall.

I hope I have an older sister to marry that man willingly. I felt bad for him. Sacrificing his entire life for the sake of our company. I hope he doesn’t want to marry me too, so we can drop the deal our parents made.

My mom said he is already eighteen. Well, I don’t like guys older than me! My mom also mentioned that he has younger brothers that are twin, but I also don’t like it!

I couldn’t think straight the whole night. How can I convince my mom not to let me marry whoever that man is? Maybe we can find another way to save our company, right? In that, I don’t have to marry a promdi guy. I didn’t think about other things the whole night except for the deal.

I texted Caleb to tell him about his. He is my best friend’s twin brother. Alleah’s.

Me:

I’m not gonna marry a stranger. Never!

I was sniffing the whole time I was typing those words. He immediately replied after few seconds.

Caleb:

What do you mean by that, Van?

I cried harder after reading his message. I couldn’t imagine marrying a man from the province.

Me:

I have to marry someone for our company. My mom wants me to live and study there.

Caleb:

Tell me, Vanasyl. You're just joking, right?

Me:

Do I look like I have time to joke when I am already struggling?!

Caleb:

You are leaving then?

Me:

I don’t want to. If only I have other choices.

After that text, I decided to sleep already. Sleeping is the best way to skip sadness, they say. Even for hours, I want to rest from these shits.

Maybe sleeping is God’s way to tell you, “you have to sleep my child, you are already tired.” Is it really his way? Or am I just being a dramatic bitch again? Am I overreacting? If you are in my shoes, would you want to marry someone you haven’t met yet? Or you are just going to cry in your room just like I did?